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Dealing with Grief

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shatoga





Joined: 23 Nov 2002
Posts: 1297
Dealing with Grief PostTue Jan 13, 2009 6:25 pm  Reply with quote  

Trying to sort out and deal with grief over the death of the woman I was about to marry.
No intent to get any replies to this thread.
Just trying to maintain contact with reality while grieving.
___________________________________________________

My GF
Laurie died Thursday, January 8 @ about 9:30 pm EST,
apparently from a burst liver. 45yrs old looked 35
(autopsy will determine cause)

Mid December the drinking led to her leaving to move in with the family she had been living with when we met.

It had happened many times before.
She just did not live to come back this time.
We had an argument about the usual topic: drinking to excess.

She was a rage-a-holic.
Got drunk and let loose the rage stored up from abuse as a child, and since.
On me.
Then , passed out drunk, sleep it off for a few hours..usually.

Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
Makes sense to me for the first time.

She was like a soul mate to me, and she felt the same about me.
I had loved before but never felt I was In love "with" anyone.

We were both in love, with each other, and it was the most wonderful experience of my life.

Nobody, including my mom and brother had ever seen me so happy.

Odd coincidence?
At the time she died, her dog began howling and kept howling for over an hour.
(She was the first person who ever loved that dog too)
The hospital is about 14 miles away and I got the call telling me she had died an hour after they had pronounced her dead.
______________________
My neighbors neglected their dogs, chained them and let them stay out without shelter in winter.
The woman I loved fed and petted one of those neglected dogs.
The one who refused to stay on a chain.
She respected his desire for freedom because she had fled a wife beater ex to find and fall in love with me.
Then...
My girl friend/fiance went with me to visit the Grand Canyon and meet my family.
I wanted them to meet the woman I planned to marry.
Everyone loved her (as do I) 2 weeks passed...
When we got back, the neighbor had moved out and abandoned a runt black Lab.
The one who refused to stay on a chain. The one she had fed and petted.
He was thin and had an eye rimmed with red bloody tissue and cloudy, looking like he had been beaten.
Her ex had beat her so she was empathetic.
She nursed him back to health.
Then during an argument, left me, and died while on a drinking binge.
I am neutral towards that dog.
But he reminds me of her.
I cannot pet him without crying so I have almost no personal interaction with that good dog.
______________________________

I spent all my time with her when we were together.
If I left the room, she would call me back or come get me.
My only time online then was when she was asleep.
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shatoga





Joined: 23 Nov 2002
Posts: 1297
PostTue Jan 13, 2009 6:37 pm  Reply with quote  

My GF:
Those who introduced me to her knew I had admired her for years but we had never met.
She used to walk her dog down my street with children alongside.
That was before her ex started the abuse but her dad abused his kids by slapping and verbally.
Us:
Two days working together to paint a room and we had fallen in love.
Both had sworn off relationships and determined to not get involved with anyone.
Not lust, love; Not on the make, but afraid of becoming involved.
We both agreed to keep sex out of our relationship until we were sure it was love and not lust.
I worked hard to NOT become involved.
Soul Mate is the simplest way to say it but my words are: "We fit together like puzzle pieces."

____________________________________________________________
When we met, she drank fortified wine, cheap gin and vodka.
I got her to cut down considerably, but she would not quit.

-With me, she drank a quart of blush wine most days and two or three (at most) days per week she didn't drink at all.
The dry days were us home cuddling, watching movies or listening to the radio while painting our house, and not leaving the house, or us visiting my family or my friends.
-Her friends had MD20/20 and such and were usually smoking pot or worse.
-Mutual friends, she drank either beer or blush wine.
It was mutual friends who had introduced us in hopes she would never again go back to the guy who beat her.

When she got mad at me and left (again)
He drove her back to the family of mutual friends she had been staying with when she met, and she drank day and night for her last weeks. MD20/20, gin and vodka.

Literally did as she said she wanted: Drank herself to death.

As I helped her pack and move her clothes to his car, she kept telling me she loved me and saying I deserved better.

This is not better.
_________________________________

Friends face to face who saw our happiness;
Heard us planning to cruise the world on my boat;
Heard her call my house "Our house"
and now see me overwhelmed by grief. Know about the argument when I asked her to marry me last Christmas and saw her tears while we were separated.
Those friends are at a loss for words
___________________________________

Her closest friends are staying wasted to grieve the loss of their drinking buddy.
Those same people who supplied her with booze for that last fatal drinking binge.
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shatoga





Joined: 23 Nov 2002
Posts: 1297
PostTue Jan 13, 2009 6:39 pm  Reply with quote  

No replies to this topic expected nor asked for.
___________________________________________

I cannot say these things to people face to face, so I am typing them online is all.
____________________________________________


Life with Laurie:
Typical tale...
We traveled over into central MS to visit an old friend.
Lots of trees and few houses on the route I took.
Weather report called for overcast with no rain.
Laurie insisted we dress for rain.
Halfway there the rain began.
No recriminations. She rode as she always did:
Holding tight against me, her arms around me, head on my shoulder or by my shoulder, kissing my neck and shoulder even during the rain.

Typical tale...
My dryer hose got kinked again only two weeks after the last replacement of the switch that burns out when the hose kinks.
Laurie wandered away from where I was picking out another dryer hose and came back with a stiff plastic corrugated/flexible/expandable hose for plumbing connections.
I got two 90 degree elbow fittings designed for dryer vents and used her choice of hose as an inverted U shape between two fittings facing up.
Still working fine and kink free three months later.

Typical tale...
We were both mad at each other. She threatened to leave me, then did.
Next day a knock on the door.
Her stated intent was to slap my face and walk away.
Her closest friend waited outside in the car, engine idling.
We faced each other and without thinking melted into each other's arms; "I'm sorry" said simultaneously.

On the couch she choose for our house;
a tv tray folds down from the center backrest and both sides kick out and lean back.
All set for a movie, she'd put the center up and lay streched out on the couch, with a pillow beside me and her head in my lap.
Always fell asleep and then, instead of watching the movie I stroked her hair etc. whispering to myself: "I love you Laurie" instead of listening to the movie.
Even in her sleep, even while snoring, she would so often reply "I love you (my name)" and resume snoring without a break.


I never loved anyone with such intensity and never before felt loved.
Walking hand in hand, fingers interlaced, like teenagers.
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sicntired





Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 613
Location: columbus, ohio
PostTue Jan 13, 2009 8:52 pm  Reply with quote  

You may not want a reply, but you're receiving the love, prayers and comfort in the spirit of many people who read your posts. Hang in there. We send you strength and blessing.
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shatoga





Joined: 23 Nov 2002
Posts: 1297
PostWed Jan 14, 2009 5:10 am  Reply with quote  

Thanks,
but right now I'm just trying to hold onto a shred of sanity.

Wake up every day hoping it was just a horrible nightmare.
Posted to prove to myself it was real.
So I can check every day and read: it really happened.
She is never coming home. This lonely hell is all I have to deal with.
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shatoga





Joined: 23 Nov 2002
Posts: 1297
PostWed Jan 14, 2009 11:54 pm  Reply with quote  

PTSD group at the VA
Topic chosen by the Social worker was grief.

Another man sitting beside me, his wife had died last November.
He felt the same pain I feel.

My friend and neighbor who is Commander of the Local American Legion Post was there and asked
the PTSD Social Worker how a professional who has never seen combat could possibly understand and help us combat veterans.
(I know she had counseled rape victims before changing to the less traumatic counseling of combat veterans. We had the ability to fight back. Those rape victims were often unable to fight back)

I mentioned that the men who died beside me, the ones I killed, & those who died because I ducked and the bullets aimed at me killed them instead, meant far less to me than this woman whom I loved with all my heart and soul.

Several men agreed that it matters more how much you love those whom you lose. How much it hurts.
I cited my own injuries and pointed out that I did not demand the surgeon who put me back together must be someone who had suffered the same injuries as me.
It was enough that he could help me.

The Social Worker seemed glad for that.
"A drowning person need not demand their rescuer have experienced drowning to understand. They need help right now from anyone able to help."

As I left afterward, she asked:
"Are you OK?"
Dare I tell her the truth?
No!
"I'm better than I was last week." (I lied)
She had told me to attend every group at the VA for a few weeks and go to 12 step meetings.
"Just don't be alone" she told me.

It is a bit creepy that these VA professionals care so much and everyone else is at a loss for words.

My VA pshrink talked to me in the hallway as I went into the group.
Asked "Is there anything I can do? Are you OK?"

Do they understand how empty my life is now?
The man sitting beside me who had just lost his wife last November understands.

Have loved before, comen who cared nothing about me.
I met this woman who loved me "body mind and soul, for ever and ever" (her words in the file she left on my computer)
The professionals?
I think they are more worried about statistics.

Another veteran's suicide would look bad.

Because I am service connected they always have time for me, but lately it's like they think I'm about to become another statistic.


Last edited by shatoga on Wed Mar 25, 2009 6:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
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starman1





Joined: 29 Sep 2005
Posts: 1583
Location: Earth
PostThu Jan 15, 2009 2:21 am  Reply with quote  

shatoga
It is not an easy thing to lose someone you love, and I can say that from experience. I lost a 19 year old son to an accident on his motorcycle, and an older brother when I was 11. There is not much anyone could have said to comfort me while I was grieving. There really are no words to fix or erase the pain. I hope you remain well and your spirit recovers from the loss. If writing about it here publicly in the forum helps you, then it is a good thing.
May God be with you in this time of need...
Starman1
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shatoga





Joined: 23 Nov 2002
Posts: 1297
PostThu Jan 15, 2009 6:26 pm  Reply with quote  

quote:
Originally posted by starman1
shatoga
It is not an easy thing to lose someone you love, and I can say that from experience. I lost a 19 year old son to an accident on his motorcycle, and an older brother when I was 11. There is not much anyone could have said to comfort me while I was grieving. There really are no words to fix or erase the pain. I hope you remain well and your spirit recovers from the loss. If writing about it here publicly in the forum helps you, then it is a good thing.
May God be with you in this time of need...
Starman1

Thanks.
I empathasize with your loss.

People have been dying from my life since I was a child.
It never hit me so hard before.
I've never grieved over anyone's death before.

Military it was just chant: "Don't mean nuthing" and go on surviving.

I've been (by VA counselor) told to post online since people who know me are seemingly struck dumb by my grief.
I've always been the strong one everyone else leans on or turns to.

Online I'm just another person posting and it is (as directed) some human contact to avoid being totally isolated.
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shatoga





Joined: 23 Nov 2002
Posts: 1297
PostFri Jan 16, 2009 3:49 pm  Reply with quote  

Link to picture of Laurie & me at the Grand Canyon a month before she died.

Happiest days of our lives.


http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn149/riverhaus/love4us.jpg
edit to add
I finally found her obituary online:


quote:
Press-Register

Obituaries

Deaths
Monday, January 12, 2009

MOBILE COUNTY

Laurie Jeannene De Witt

Laurie Jeannene De Witt, a resident of Mobile, died Thursday. She was 45.

Survivors include three daughters, Jamie Warren, Aimee Warren and Katelyn McDade, all of Mobile.

Visitation will be Tuesday from 10 a.m. until the 11 a.m. funeral at Hughes Cremation & Funeral Service in Daphne.

http://www.al.com/mobile/obits/index.ssf?/base/news/1231755381171870.xml&coll=3
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shatoga





Joined: 23 Nov 2002
Posts: 1297
PostThu Feb 05, 2009 9:00 pm  Reply with quote  

What's rough now is dealing with still being alive and the memories.
The 'if only' and knowing that disease was probably already killing her when we met.

It's not easy to be out among people and hear guys bitch about their wives and Girl Friends.

edit to add:

Topic ended for me.
No replies please.
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