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Proud Veteran
Joined: 31 Jan 2003
Posts: 212
Location: United States |
 Wed Mar 12, 2003 2:42 pm
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A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled,and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
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Molliani
Joined: 16 Mar 2001
Posts: 428
Location: Illinois |
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Sat Mar 15, 2003 8:09 am
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Machiavelli in Kindergarten
by Peter Schooff
Dear Mrs. Machiavelli:
My reason for this letter is to relay an incident that occurred with your boy, Nicolo. This afternoon I had to step out of the classroom briefly, so I told the children to put their heads on the desk. When I returned, I found your boy snooping around my desk. When I demanded to know what he was doing, he told me he wanted to know what made me such an effective leader so that one day he could change the course of history. That's a first for me, Mrs. Machiavelli, and I don't believe it for one second. I think your boy was interested in some homemade biscotti I keep in my top drawer. I think Nicolo needs a lesson in telling the truth, and keeping his hands off other people's biscotti.
Regards, Ms. Capucci
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Dear Mrs. Machiavelli:
What an odd little fellow your Nicolo is. The other day, as I was reading to the class from the "See Dick Run" series, little Nicolo raised his hand and asked if there were any books where Dick seized power. Later that day, when I was having trouble with several unruly students, Nicolo pulled me aside and said I'd have a much better chance of controlling the class if I used torture. And then, just today, Nicolo told me that, although he didn't think I was a very effective ruler anymore, he still liked me. Then he asked if he could have my head if I was ever beheaded. Is everything all right at home, Mrs. Machiavelli?
Concerned, Ms. Capucci
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Dear Mrs. Machiavelli:
It was good to see you and your husband at the parent teacher conference last Tuesday. I completely agree with your husband that Nicolo is quite the precocious little statesman. I do not agree with something your son said recently, though, that politics is just kindergarten with warfare. And please help your son come up with a more suitable show-and-tell topic than, How to overthrow your kindergarten teacher. I think little Nicolo needs to be reminded that I am the head of this class, and I will not tolerate any overthrowing in my classroom.
Regards, Ms. Capucci
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Dear Mrs. Machiavelli:
I greatly preferred your son's show-and-tell topic, "How to thrive in kindergarten," although I don't think the children needed to be shown how to make a poison apple. And inform Nicolo that no matter how much he begs or pleads or promises me the Principal's office, I will not make him hall monitor. I don't care if he already bought the uniform. And tell Nicolo there is no such thing as hall dictator, and especially not hall czar. Quite frankly, I overheard your boy telling someone that to control the hallways is to control the school, and I already have enough to worry about, thank you. My decision is final.
Regards, Ms. Capucci
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Dear Mrs. Machiavelli:
Your Nicolo is quite the crafty little kindergartner. Yesterday, when I was called out of the class during naptime, I returned to discover there had been something of a coup in my absence. Apparently, little Billy was no longer hall monitor, and your son had installed himself in my absence. I guess I should be thankful it was a bloodless coup, but they sure managed to spill a lot of milk. Of course, I thought I made all hall monitor decision for my classroom, but the principal has informed me otherwise. But I can still punish Nicolo, and I want him to write, "I will respect and obey my kindergarten teacher," 500 times.
Regards, Ms. Capucci
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Dear Mrs. Machiavelli:
I guess I underestimated your son, Mrs. Machiavelli. One thing's for sure, he certainly deserves an A in political science, and they don't teach that until the seventh grade. I am enjoying my time away from teaching, although I do miss it. I just want you to know I do not agree at all with the choice of my replacement. Mr. Pezio was the school's janitor, and he knows nothing about teaching. I know he is close with your son, but Mr. Pezio is not a nice man. I don't see how any learning's going to get done. Please tell your boy to enjoy the homemade biscotti I've enclosed, and please ask him if he can put in a good word with the principal for me.
Very Respectfully Yours, Ms. Capucci
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About the author:
Peter Schooff: Humor writer living in New York City. Also writer/editor of PeteTV.com.
http://www.pindeldyboz.com/pskindergarten.htm |
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FLKook
Joined: 28 Apr 2001
Posts: 710
Location: East Central Florida |
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Sat Mar 22, 2003 4:46 am
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http://humanlinks.com/manskill/games/english16/index.html
ENGLISH 16 - SAM LOYD'S "FORE AND AFT" PUZZLE
Please note that your browser needs to be Java-enabled to view this game. Please allow a few minutes for the game to load.
I gave up. Won't tell you how many moves! |
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theseeker
Joined: 25 Jul 2000
Posts: 3403
Location: Damnit...I'm a doctor jim |
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Sat Mar 29, 2003 9:59 am
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amazing hands
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theseeker
Joined: 25 Jul 2000
Posts: 3403
Location: Damnit...I'm a doctor jim |
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Sun Apr 13, 2003 10:35 pm
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http://rubberfaces.com/
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FLKook
Joined: 28 Apr 2001
Posts: 710
Location: East Central Florida |
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Sat Oct 25, 2003 9:54 pm
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That was great Lulu, bout time someone revised this thread! |
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Lulu
Joined: 22 Dec 2000
Posts: 2501
Location: right here |
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Sun Oct 26, 2003 12:01 am
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Gave me a good chuckle FLKOOK |
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Mech
Joined: 06 Jun 2001
Posts: 8237
Location: THE 4th REICH USA |
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Sun Nov 09, 2003 7:34 pm
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This is kind of funny!!!!
http://www.googlism.com/
Here's what my search revealed.
mech is formed
mech is screwing me
mech is back
mech is frequently asked
mech is a professional scientifically
mech is supposed to be the superior of a 100 ton tank
mech is in perfect condition
mech is operating under standard simulation mode
mech is a favorite among the commanders of house kurita
mech is great when you want to strike fear into the hearts of those around you without even pulling out your gun
mech is perfectly suited for
mech is seen
mech is in its own force group
mech is a very unusual mech
mech is equipped with case; an ammo explosion will still destroy the 'mech's fusion
mech is sponsoring a national scholarship open to all state associations participating
mech is caught between the jaws
mech is engaged at close range
mech is the foremost expert on wolves in this country
mech is only part of the game
mech is a building tall robot controlled by a human pilot from its cockpit |
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Lulu
Joined: 22 Dec 2000
Posts: 2501
Location: right here |
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Mon Nov 10, 2003 9:38 pm
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What...no recalcitrant plebny Mech? 
This one about me says it all ~
lulu is everywhere visitors to terra firma are familiar with lulu
Yes indeedy. |
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Mech
Joined: 06 Jun 2001
Posts: 8237
Location: THE 4th REICH USA |
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Mon Nov 10, 2003 9:52 pm
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Mech is terminally afflicted with Recalcitrant Plebny.
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