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mark sky
Joined: 14 Oct 2000
Posts: 3616
Location: SW coast of Oregon |
giggle plex
 Sat Apr 16, 2005 11:56 pm
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Letter to the IRS
Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement
to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to
the IRS the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents,
exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.
Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!
I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are
evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer
my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what
to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next
year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put
her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about
their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper
her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year
she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind
that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice
of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or
getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh
joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the
future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather
good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little
closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat
home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like
him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye,
what's the big d
eal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as
he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the
cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the
vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This
is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives
in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900
and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came
from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my
taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On
Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news!
You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are
denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other
two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the
curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish
touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of
her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that
worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would
be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I
will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on
my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an
airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Guys' Rules
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...
these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become
null and void after7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don 't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it,
just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example,
is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking
about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as
baseball, the shotgun formation,
or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know,
I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
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mark sky
Joined: 14 Oct 2000
Posts: 3616
Location: SW coast of Oregon |
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Sun Apr 17, 2005 12:10 am
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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was sQuiriming
around
scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
Last edited by mark sky on Sun Apr 17, 2005 1:05 am; edited 1 time in total |
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mark sky
Joined: 14 Oct 2000
Posts: 3616
Location: SW coast of Oregon |
| first prayer
Sun Apr 17, 2005 12:45 am
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she
would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but
he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some
protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it
being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A
minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass
and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,
the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so
religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist." |
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