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marklookingup
Joined: 31 Jul 2005
Posts: 502
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Oil Change For Women
 Tue Apr 18, 2006 7:06 pm
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Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the lastoil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==========================================================
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drivehome.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jackstands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
 Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under! car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
1 Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
! 2 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
3 Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining ! case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: Arrested for driving under the influence.
4 Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right! |
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mr. jones
Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
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Thu Apr 20, 2006 4:36 pm
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After reading this i didn't know wether to laugh or cry.
Sometimes i ask myself "how are these people, what are they really like?"
And i realize that they are just like everyone else, that in their own mysterious way they are living a certain type of hell just like everyone else at this moment in time.
The unfortunate thing is that of course it doesn't have to be like that.
But it's like when i try to explain chemtrails to people, they are more interested in downplaying the issue than in really analyzing it objectively to see if there is any truth in it.
I guess then that it has to do with our own instictive fear of the unknown, anything that challenges our "status quo safety zone" must be kept at bay, even if our safety zone is a living prison.
http://www.conspiracyplanet.com/channel.cfm?ChannelID=104
You have to admit america has an unbelievable sense of humor, i guess that's why i love america so much.
http://www.conspiracyplanet.com/channel.cfm?ChannelID=123
Aravosis from AmericaBlog told E&P: "Now that the Joint Chiefs have addressed the insidious threat cartoons pose to our troops, perhaps they can move on to less pressing issues like getting them their damn body armor." |
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marklookingup
Joined: 31 Jul 2005
Posts: 502
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| New Living Will Form
Fri Apr 21, 2006 3:37 pm
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New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Bloody Mary,
______ a bourbon and water
______a Margarita
______a Scotch and soda
______a Martini
______a Vodka and Tonic
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control,
______a Bowl of ice cream
______The sports page,
______Chocolate
______Sex
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Signature: ___________________________
Date: ___________________________
_____ |
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mr. jones
Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
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| Is bush gay?
Sat Apr 22, 2006 4:02 pm
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Personally i don't really care if he is or not, it's hard not to like a man that makes you laugh every time he opens his mouth,
And this guy is a riot! He's a natural, his face is completely clownish.
And his one liners are pure gold.
http://www.peacetakescourage.com/isbushgay.html |
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mr. jones
Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
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| Somebody forgot to turn off the spray!
Mon Apr 24, 2006 9:41 pm
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On Thursday morning, May 26, 2005, a Canadian named Garry and a passenger were astonished while driving to work near the Vancouver International Airport to see a four-engine commercial airliner on final approach to Runway 26R “still spraying the
chemtrails. Somebody forgot to turn off the spray!”
http://www.willthomas.net/Convergence/Weekly/Chemtrails.htm |
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greenman
Joined: 04 May 2006
Posts: 172
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Tue May 16, 2006 11:16 pm
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mr. jones
Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
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Sat Jun 17, 2006 4:24 pm
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flip wilson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR8OpOlga-Y&search=flip%20wilson
_________________
"The whole aim of practical politics is
to keep the populace alarmed, and thus clamorous to be led to safety, by menacing it with an endless series of
hobgoblins, all of them imaginary." |
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