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marklookingup





Joined: 31 Jul 2005
Posts: 503
Oil Change For Women PostTue Apr 18, 2006 7:06 pm  Reply with quote  

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the lastoil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drivehome.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jackstands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Cool Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under! car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
1Cool Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
! 2Cool Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
3Cool Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining ! case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: Arrested for driving under the influence.
4Cool Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!
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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
PostThu Apr 20, 2006 4:36 pm  Reply with quote  

After reading this i didn't know wether to laugh or cry.

Sometimes i ask myself "how are these people, what are they really like?"

And i realize that they are just like everyone else, that in their own mysterious way they are living a certain type of hell just like everyone else at this moment in time.

The unfortunate thing is that of course it doesn't have to be like that.

But it's like when i try to explain chemtrails to people, they are more interested in downplaying the issue than in really analyzing it objectively to see if there is any truth in it.

I guess then that it has to do with our own instictive fear of the unknown, anything that challenges our "status quo safety zone" must be kept at bay, even if our safety zone is a living prison.

http://www.conspiracyplanet.com/channel.cfm?ChannelID=104

You have to admit america has an unbelievable sense of humor, i guess that's why i love america so much.

http://www.conspiracyplanet.com/channel.cfm?ChannelID=123

Aravosis from AmericaBlog told E&P: "Now that the Joint Chiefs have addressed the insidious threat cartoons pose to our troops, perhaps they can move on to less pressing issues like getting them their damn body armor."
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marklookingup





Joined: 31 Jul 2005
Posts: 503
New Living Will Form PostFri Apr 21, 2006 3:37 pm  Reply with quote  

New Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Bloody Mary,
______ a bourbon and water
______a Margarita
______a Scotch and soda
______a Martini
______a Vodka and Tonic
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control,
______a Bowl of ice cream
______The sports page,
______Chocolate
______Sex
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.


Signature: ___________________________

Date: ___________________________

_____
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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
Is bush gay? PostSat Apr 22, 2006 4:02 pm  Reply with quote  

Personally i don't really care if he is or not, it's hard not to like a man that makes you laugh every time he opens his mouth,

And this guy is a riot! He's a natural, his face is completely clownish.

And his one liners are pure gold.

http://www.peacetakescourage.com/isbushgay.html
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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
Somebody forgot to turn off the spray! PostMon Apr 24, 2006 9:41 pm  Reply with quote  

On Thursday morning, May 26, 2005, a Canadian named Garry and a passenger were astonished while driving to work near the Vancouver International Airport to see a four-engine commercial airliner on final approach to Runway 26R “still spraying the
chemtrails. Somebody forgot to turn off the spray!”


http://www.willthomas.net/Convergence/Weekly/Chemtrails.htm
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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
political cartoons PostThu Apr 27, 2006 8:56 pm  Reply with quote  

A laugh a day keeps the blues away.

http://cagle.msnbc.com/politicalcartoons/
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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
HOUSE FOR SALE PostWed May 03, 2006 10:02 pm  Reply with quote  

Chemtrails no extra charge!

http://www.realtor.com/FindHome/HomeListing.asp?snum=43&mlsttl=&frm=bymap&mls=xmls&js=on&target=&ct=Carlsbad&st=NM&sbint=&sbls=&sblo=&stype=&areaid=81226&mnsqft=&fid=so&vtsort=&mnprice=60000&mxprice=500000&mnbed=2&mnbath=1&typ=1&typ=2&typ=4&poe=realtor&x=12&y=8&sid=0690690B729FC&pgnum=5&snumxlid=1057108336&lnksrc=00001
_________________
"The whole aim of practical politics is
to keep the populace alarmed, and thus clamorous to be led to safety, by menacing it with an endless series of
hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."
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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
Who says Bush doesn't care? PostFri May 05, 2006 11:58 pm  Reply with quote  

Who says Bush doesn't care?

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushguitarsuperdome.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushfishingvacation.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushphoneupsidedown.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushpopesanta.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushabdullahhands.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushtimecover.htm
_________________
"The whole aim of practical politics is
to keep the populace alarmed, and thus clamorous to be led to safety, by menacing it with an endless series of
hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."
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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
cheney goes hunting with bush PostThu May 11, 2006 11:19 pm  Reply with quote  

hey, come on?
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushbj.htm

The ten ways of cheney.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-cheneytenways.htm

watch out!
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-cheneyhuntingbush.htm

terror alert!
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-cheneyterroralert.htm

why does bush act so macho?
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-gopdrfreud.htm

Let's get it together.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-condiclarke.htm

dad.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-poppybaseball.htm

Not bad.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpropaganda-soldier.htm

living behind bars.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-marthastewartliving.htm

More martha stewart living
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-marthastewartcellkeeping.htm

gas prices get out of "hand"
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-gasprices.htm

The plight.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/funnypictures/ig/100-Funny-Pictures/Saddam-Homeless.htm

gas going up!
http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://cagle.com/news/GasGoingUp/main.asp
_________________
"The whole aim of practical politics is
to keep the populace alarmed, and thus clamorous to be led to safety, by menacing it with an endless series of
hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."
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greenman





Joined: 04 May 2006
Posts: 172
PostTue May 16, 2006 11:16 pm  Reply with quote  

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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
PostSat Jun 17, 2006 4:24 pm  Reply with quote  

flip wilson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR8OpOlga-Y&search=flip%20wilson
_________________
"The whole aim of practical politics is
to keep the populace alarmed, and thus clamorous to be led to safety, by menacing it with an endless series of
hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."
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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
PostSat Jun 17, 2006 4:39 pm  Reply with quote  

Russel peters
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOiEbqEmjXc&feature=PlayList&p=1B59EA2BAAFEFE9A&index=25

Dice clay and CNN duke it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M9C6a1K0nI&search=dice%20clay
_________________
"The whole aim of practical politics is
to keep the populace alarmed, and thus clamorous to be led to safety, by menacing it with an endless series of
hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."
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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
PostSat Jun 17, 2006 4:49 pm  Reply with quote  

No comment
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cWQNE1xMt8&search=dice%20clay

Shaq immitation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbY58p2hW68&feature=PlayList&p=9E80A867282EF06A&index=12
_________________
"The whole aim of practical politics is
to keep the populace alarmed, and thus clamorous to be led to safety, by menacing it with an endless series of
hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."
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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
PostSat Jun 17, 2006 5:06 pm  Reply with quote  

chris rock
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9A2I-X7b-w&feature=PlayList&p=45CDC119AC2B3451&index=42

It's true (real rockers know music is all about having fun)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ht1EmIKuhRg&feature=PlayList&p=47F7E46A4EB76445&index=1
_________________
"The whole aim of practical politics is
to keep the populace alarmed, and thus clamorous to be led to safety, by menacing it with an endless series of
hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."
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mr. jones





Joined: 03 Mar 2006
Posts: 1899
PostSat Jun 17, 2006 5:17 pm  Reply with quote  

Jimmy carry as vanilly ice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Acb5205wCS8&feature=PlayList&p=47F7E46A4EB76445&index=3
_________________
"The whole aim of practical politics is
to keep the populace alarmed, and thus clamorous to be led to safety, by menacing it with an endless series of
hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."
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