posted 10-11-2001 04:36 PM            

“Oh, I was outside shaking out the rugs when all of these planes flew over,” she remarked. “I don’t know what they burn in those things these days. There are little trails all over the skies. The air smells funny and my nose is stopped up and I’m coughing and….”

“In the name of Allah, you daughter of a camel herder, can’t you see I’m trying to concentrate? Stop that incessant chattering! It is just contrails. They’ll go away in a few minutes. You must have been out in the sun too long. Leave me in peace and go check on the kids.”

Fatima shuffled off and Osama went back to his studying. A few minutes later, his other two wives came in from outside. They were coughing and sniffling. “What in Afghanistan is wrong with you two!” he asked.

“I don’t know”, one of them answered. “We were just outside washing a few things and beating them on rocks when we starting coughing. And there are these funny clouds spreading out all over the sky where the planes have flown over, and…”

“Okay, okay, I’ve already heard this story once,” he grumbled. “Go drink some goat milk or something. Can’t you see I’m trying to read?”

A few more quiet moments and several of the children came in sniffling and sneezing. “What in Mohammed’s name is your problem?” Osama shouted.

“Uh, well, we were outside, and, uh, we were just running and playing, and, uh, there was this cloud, and, uh…”

“Oh, for Allah’s sake!” Osama exclaimed. “ I might as well go out there and see what’s going on. I can’t get any rest in here.”

Osama went to the tunnel entrance and peeped out at the sky. “Well, I’ll be a son of a goat. I read about these things on the Internet. It’s those chemtrails! Fatima, where are those gas masks I bought you girls and the kids? Why aren’t you wearing them? And while you are at it, fix me some beans and bread.”

“Beans and bread, beans and bread. All we have is beans and bread. I’m so sick of beans and bread I don’t know what to do,” muttered Fatima. “Marry Osama,” my father said. “He’s rich and you’ll never have to lift a finger. You’ll drive a Cadillac and live in a palace with handmaidens to do all the work. What a crock!”

“ I know what you mean said one of the other wives. We live in a cave and drive a truck. We have to do all the hard work while Osama sits on his duff and reads and prays and schemes about how to destroy the American infidels”

The third wife chimed in. “How does he expect us to wear gas masks when he makes us wear these stupid hoods over our heads! I feel like a member of the Klan. I’m sick of the Taliban! If I had it to do all over again…”

“I heard that!” Osama shouted from the front of the cave. “Is it not enough that I have to put up with the Americans and their chemtrails. Can I not have a moment’s peace in my own cave! Another word from you women and you’ll find yourselves sitting in some refugee camp! You should thank Allah you have a cave to sleep in and a truck to ride in and beans and bread and nice gas masks and rifles! Ungrateful daughters of donkeys! And, see if you can’t shut those kids up. I’m going to take a nap!”

To be continued…

posted 10-12-2001 12:25 PM            

“Wonder who it is this time” said Fatima. “I dunno, maybe it’s the Southern Baptists. They always show up around suppertime,” offered Salome. “No,” said Sefina, “ they only come on Mondays. The Mormans were here yesterday and the Jehovah’s Witnesses showed up last week so it’s probably Mullah Omar again. Somebody probably told him about the goat that stepped on the landmine this afternoon and he’s looking for a free meal.” “Yeah,” Fatima remarks, “I thought we had seen the last of him when they hauled off Osama. I sure miss Delphio. Wonder what became of her anyway?”

Knock, knock, knock. “Great Mohammed’s ghost! Will you women stop murmuring and get the door! You sound like a bunch of Israelites and you KNOW what happened to them!”

“Oh, alright! Sefina you get it. Salome and I are up to our armpits in beans and goat meat here,” ordered Fatima. “Salome, hide the beans. We’ll have rice instead. You know how the Mullah gets when he eats beans!”

Sefina saunters off down the tunnel and opens the door. “Hey, there’s nobody out here, but it looks like somebody left us a note.” “What is it this time,” Osama asks. “Another eviction notice from Dubya? Just put it on the table. I’ll read it in the morning. I’m gonna have to charge up the laptop and give that cowboy a piece of my mind!”

“Settle down, Osama, ” says Fatima. “Supper is ready and you’ll just give yourself indigestion. Gather up the kids and let’s eat.”

-----------------------------------

It’s later in the evening and everyone has settled down for the night. Osama calls out in the darkness, “Oh, Fatima, would you come in here and rub my back?”

“Oh, no. You know what THAT means,” whispers Fatima. “ My husband, it was my turn last time. Ask one of the other girls. I wouldn’t want them to get jealous.”

“Thanks a LOT, “ mutters Sefina.

“Oh, very well then, “ answers Osama from his room. “Sefina? How about you?”

“I’m sorry my husband. I have a migrane. Ask Salome. Ouch, Salome! Quit pinching me!”

“Salome, I’m getting really lonely in here,” Osama mournfully calls.

Through gritted teeth Salome replies, “My husband, my monthly time is upon me and…”

“Oh, just forget about it,” Osama shouts. “I’m not in the mood anymore anyway!” “Praise be to you Allah for my three wives, but couldn’t you arrange it so that at least one of them would be willing to grant me companionship on the ONE night a month I allow myself to be pleasured? I spend all of my time praying and studying and thinking up schemes against the infidels…oh, well, there’s always next month…at least Delphio isn't around anymore. She was always up to something...” he says as he yawns and dozes off. Soon he is dreaming of paradise and the eager virgins awaiting him…..

To be continued.

posted 10-12-2001 02:46 PM            

“Not anymore, you son of a goat! What is it!” Ali muttered.

“Why don’t we sneak outside and watch the infidels bomb Kabul!”

“The last time we sneaked out we ended up shoveling goat manure for a month!”

“Oh, come on Ali. We won’t get caught!”

“Might as well…I need to take a leak anyway.”

Ali stumbled as they passed Osama’s door and their father stirred in his bed. “Is that you Fatima? Did you change your mind?” “No, father, it’s only me, Mohammed. I got up to get some water.” “Okay,” Osama said sleepily as he dozed off again.

“You stupid oaf,” whispered Mohammed, “you almost got us caught! Now, watch out for that door…you know how it squeaks!”

They slipped outside and started up the hill. “Wow, said Ali, looks like they’re bombing Kabul into a moonscape!”

“No, joke,” Mohammed replied as he settled down on a rock. “Hey, Ali, look down there next to the goat shed. Something’s moving. Hey, there’s something over by the camel pen, too!”

“I see it!” Ali exclaimed. “Looks like some kind of a tiny tank. Listen…I think its got a motor. Can you hear it? We’d better go wake up father!

“Are you crazy! He’ll flog us for sneaking out!

“He’ll do worse than that if we don’t let him know, Mohammed! And YOU tell him! This was YOUR idea!”

“Oh, alright, you sissy. Let’s go!”

Quickly they made their way back to the cave. “Father, father, wake up!” said Mohammed.

“What, what! Can’t I get a decent night’s sleep in this place! What is it now! And, what’s that smell!”

“Uh, uh, well, uh…”

“Spit it out you idiots! Have you been outside again! I TOLD you the Special Ops guys were fooling around out there. Do you have a death wish or something!”

“No, father, we just needed to relieve ourselves and we saw something out by the goat shed and the camel pen. It looked like a tiny tank, and, uh, it had a motor, and, uh, Ali stepped in some camel dung while we were running down the hill, and, uh….”

“What next! Have you two been into the fermented dates or what!” Osama fumed. You guys clearly don’t have enough to do! I’m going to think up something to keep you busy so you’ll sleep at night instead of getting into mischief!”

“But, father, we only….”

“Get out of here and let me sleep! I’ll check things out in the morning! Stupid kids….I should have stayed single!”

Mohammed and Ali walked silently down the hall and crawled into their beds. “I TOLD you!” said Ali. “Oh, shut up, Ali. And get those shoes out of here. Clumsy jackass!”

“I wonder what he’ll think up to punish us,” Mohammed wondered out loud. “Remember when he made us put those WWMD bracelets together for weeks? What did that stand for? Oh, yeah. I remember. What would Mohammed do? It was like those WWJD bracelets the infidels wear. Who’s that guy they worship? Jesus? Prophets! Who needs them! I wonder….

“Mohammed, just shut up and go to sleep will you! I’ve had enough for one night! Whatever he comes up with we can probably bribe our ugly sisters and get them to do it for us!”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. G’night Ali.”

“G’night, Mohammed.”

posted 10-13-2001 01:44 PM            

"Ssst! Osama! We're here. Stand back while we laser a hole in the wall!"

"About time you sons of pigs got here!"

Soon he would be back at home with fat Fatima and Salome and Sefina.

---

Fatima headed down the tunnel. It was early but she wanted to get a head start on milking the goats. Osama's bed was empty. "Must be outside praying or something..." she mused. As she made her way toward the goat shed, Osama came around the corner. "Where have you been my husband?" She knew immediately he had sneaked out to those other women she wasn't supposed to know about. She could smell the perfume a mile away.

"Oh, I've been out on patrol with the guys. What's all these little trails all over the place? Have the kids been out here with their toys using up the batteries! I told them we needed those for the satellite TV and the laptop! And what are all those yellow packages all over the place. I know, it's those stupid food packages from Dubya. Does he think we have camel dung for brains! Probably poison. What are those things growing all over the place? And just look at those stupid chemtrails all over the place! Infidel Americans!"

"Oh, settle down Osama! You know the kids don't have any toys! All you let them do is read the Koran and work! As for those things growing...look like mushrooms to me."

"Mushrooms! Fatima, you fat cow, this is the desert! We don't have mushrooms! Wait a minute! Maybe it's like that infidel chick from that town in Louisiana. You know, the one that lives close to that base where all the B52's come from. Maybe it's from those chemtrails! And, maybe Mohammed and Ali weren't blitzed on dates last night after all...maybe those tracks are from those spy robots the infidels brought in."

"Oh, by the way Osama, last night I kept hearing all these noises like thud...thud...thud...and the water in the glass by my bed was shaking...kind of like that movie where the T-Rex..."

"Great Allah's throne, Fatima! It's just the Americans bombing over at Kabul! Have you been watching HBO on the satellite TV again! I told you that was only to be used for news! You clearly don't have enough to do around here. I'm going to put the whole lot of you to work making WWMD bracelets! Discipline is getting LAX around here! Go milk the goats! I'm gonna see if I can get something to eat around here. Sefina! Salome!

Fatima shuffled off to the goat shed muttering under her breath, "What a grouch! Where's Delphio when you need her? Wish I was smart enough to come up with a plan to get rid of him! WWMD bracelets! What's up with that? What was it the Baptist said about that Jesus guy before Usama ran them off with the grenade launcher? Oh, yeah. He was a prophet like Mohammed but he was different. Something about dying for everyone's sins. Must have been some kind of nut. And there was more...he came back to life and then got taken up to heaven. And he was supposed to be going to build mansions for his followers. Maybe those Christians have something there. Beats the heck out of a CAVE. Osama gets 72 eager virgins in Paradise. What do I get? Mansions. Hmmmm...."