posted 03-17-2003 10:06 PM            

* you've ever left your sociology class thinking, "That professor really knows what he/she/it is talking about."
* you associate the words "model American" with "Bill Clinton"
* you think Dan Rather represents media impartiality
* your response to anything Rush Limbaugh says is, "Well, he's fat."
* the first word in the description of your hair color is "neon"
* you've ever tried to protect the ozone layer
* you've stood for animal rights, but wear leather belts and sandals
* you've ever given a dollar to a bum so he can buy more liquor ...ummm ... food
* you ever use the words "Clarence Thomas" and "Uncle Tom" in the same sentence
* you are a vegan
* you have a bumper sticker that says "You Can't Hug With Nuclear Arms" on your car
* you believe diversity represents the extinction of the white race
* you've ever walked around carrying one of those Javahhh mugs
* you pay a 185 percent markup for organically grown food
* you cheered for "Obstructing Justice Simpson" last Tuesday at 1 p.m.
* you don't think it's right to kill rapists and murderers, but do think it's right to kill babies
* you have anything to do with the Compassionate Living Fair
* you want more funding for AIDS research but less for cancer, despite the fact that cancer kills many more people per year
* you have the entire menu at Cup-A-Joe memorized
* you consider yourself open-minded but refuse to listen to anything Jesse Helms has to say
* you abhor censorship unless it's censoring race, religion, Conservatism, Western culture or Rush Limbaugh
* you found yourself unemployed after this past November's election
* you're a dope smoker or a womanizer ... oh, sorry, that's "You might be a Clinton cabinet official if ..."
* you're the dolt who stole the "Helms '96" bumper sticker from my car
* you think the phrase, "... separation of church and state" is in the Constitution
* you cry, "You can't legislate morality," but defend the Roe v. Wade decision in order to legalize your moral position on abortion
* you stay informed by watching MTV News
* you have an "I'm Straight But Not Narrow" button pinned to your book bag
* there is a ring in any part of your head other than your ears
* you think religion is bad for school kids to learn, but think condom giveaways are just what schools need
* you molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television . . . oops, my mistake again, that's "You might be Mel Reynolds if . . ."
* you think Jesse Jackson is a good spokesman for the black community
* you think Jesse Jackson is good at anything
* you lie in bed at night worried that Pat Robertson might be out to get you
* you attribute the rising illegitimacy rate, crime rate or problems in the inner city to Ronald Reagan
* you've ever held up a grocery store line trying to pick between plastic, which isn't biodegradable, or paper, which cuts down innocent trees
* you think the National Organization for Women is made up of average heterosexual women with no lesbian agenda
* you're on the committee to construct the Gay Jewish Women's Cultural Center -- there's a slight chance you're a liberal
* you blame Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but not the spend-happy "Democrooks" for the huge national debt
* banning assault weapons is your solution to end crime (what do you mean punish the criminals?)
* you tell me how to live by telling me I can't tell people how to live
* And finally ...you think Ted Kennedy is sober and monogamous.

posted 03-18-2003 06:07 AM            

You Might Be a Liberal
It's getting harder and harder to identify those dastard evil doers known as liberals. In fact, they are able to infiltrate every day life. We can all fall prey to the methods used by this movement. To prevent any accidental conversion to the side of darkness, here is a list of signs to watch out for;

You might be a liberal if...

You believe that AIDS is spread by a lack of federal funding.

If you think polls should dictate morality.

You think that consenting adults can engage freely in every activity except capitalism.

You believe that Clarence Thomas is corrupt, but Janet Reno is doing a good job.

You think the really alarming violence takes place outside the abortion clinic.

You believe that global warming is caused by white Europeans and not a normal fluctuation of the Earth's weather patterns.

You pray to "The Woman Upstairs."

You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice...

You think we never gave peace a chance.

You believe the National Rifle Associations helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.

You feel good about the MicroSoft court case.

You protested American intervention in Vietnam, but support American intervention in Haiti, Somalia, and Bosnia.

You think the real evil is American oil and tobacco companies and not Cuba or China.

You begin sentences with the words "I feel."

Your driver's license has a hyphen because for you one last name just isn't enough.

You don't think "All in the Family" is a very funny program, but watch it anyway because Meathead makes a lot of sense.

You think OJ is out looking for the real killers.

You think it takes a village.

You think that the words "to promote the general welfare" in the Constitution mean to promote welfare generally.

You think that, even though more people voted against him than for him in both the 1992 and the 1996 presidential elections, Bill Clinton had a mandate.

You think that conservatives, like preservatives, ought to be federally regulated.

You ever wore earth shoes.

You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive, domestic violence common and Paula Jones is lying.

You believe Anita Hill, but think

You can't figure out how Ronald Reagan won 49 states in 1984.

You have ever wondered out loud, "Why can't we all just get along?"

You think the New York Times prints all the news that's fit.

You think that Rush Limbaugh is just an entertainer.

You think Jesse Jackson is a good spokesman for the black community.

You spent Columbus Day reading Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.

You reach the limits of your talent and then complain that you ran into a glass ceiling.

You wear more ribbons on your lapel than in your hair.

You think that the really dangerous McCarthy was Joe, not Eugene.

You blame the Unabomber's parents.

You fail to see the connection between Lenin and Lennon.

You have ever agreed with Martin Sheen or Barbra Streisand... http://www.geocities.com/craig_walters/humor/liberal.html