posted 03-31-2003 01:38 PM            

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either."

"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea."

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?"

"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline."

"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president."

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out."

"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?"

"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded."

"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war."

"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, I know you're there, pick up, pick up."

"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them."