posted 01-14-2004 11:39 AM            

ATTENTION NEW MEXI-RICAN GOP VOTERS! PADRE BUSH ANNOUNCES NEW "SOMBRERO LOOPHOLE" IN HOMELAND SECURITY FOR MILLIONS OF LAW-BREAKING FOREIGNERS

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Please stop pruning for a moment and be seated. I'm here today to announce a surprising new policy on immigration. As you know, I've spent the past 28 months relentlessly beating the drums of terror, terrorists, and terrorization, insisting that our Anglo-Saxon nation will never be safe unless we beef up border security and hunt down illegal aliens like the mangy stray terror dogs they are. Well today, I am proud to not totally crack up when announcing that now I think we just oughta let any old foreigner who sneaks into America not only stay, but snatch up the few jobs remaining under my Deficit Spending Miracle economy that millions of unemployed who are stupid enough to follow the rules would give their right arm for.

(Gasps.)

Yes, I know this comes as a shock to many of my most ardent supporters, whose xenophobic love I have cultivated with more care than one of those self-loathing Log Cabin Republicans waxes around his little speedo bulge. Well let me tell you – it came as a shock to me, too. A couple months back, Karl Rove comes schlumping into my office, smelling as he does of the Ponderosa buffet and Aqua Velva, and drops a little info bomb on me. He says never mind all that TV talk about people loving me, that he thinks this 2004 election is gonna be tighter than prom night pussy. Says we need every vote we can get if we actually want to win this time, and so we'd better start doing some serious pandering – even going so far as to aggressively court the unthinkable. So I says, "You don't mean niggers, do you?" And he's all, "No, you moronic putz, spicks!"

Well while Karl was explaining my brilliant new idea to me, I just had to ask, "So are we letting just the Mezzicans stay?" And he says, "No, that would be discriminatory, which the damn liberals went and made illegal. So in order to placate the Latinozoids, we have to basically flush all that terror-prevention garbage down the commode."

And so there you have it, illegal aliens are free to stick around and do whatever. Now mainly that means old Poncho Villa can scrub major corporate toilet for pennies a week. But if you're a terror-doer in a Muslamian sleeper cell, well just consider this a little late Christmas present from yours truly!

Now I know that many of the low-class whitey xenophobes who make up my sheet-wearing base are gonna get miffed about this. Truth is, the mail's already pouring in. But I'm not worried. I figure if there's anyone on whose face I can take a warm, wet, sloppy dump, it's those flag-waving, FOX-watching crackers who've spent the last three years screeching that I'm God on Earth. Cause it ain't like that angry crowd is gonna fire off a few rounds in joy over the idea of voting for Howie Dean.

Besides, it's not like this immigration plan is completely devoid of logic. Condi also did a Homeland Security cost-benefit analysis and concluded that it's probably time to choose between a handful of those tall buildings in New York filled with folks who tend to vote for Democraps like Hillary Clinton anyway and our nation's gazillion flowerbeds. Yes, those flowerbeds are kept carefully (and inexpensively!) clipped and watered by folks that illegally got into the country – and I for one, as the owner of a 1,600 acre ranch, like having plenty of dirty cheap labor around. I tell you: clearing brush for over five minutes for AP photographers is backbreaking work.

So to all you hispano-ricans out there with no regard for our laws, listen up: AMERICA IS WIDE OPEN FOR BUSINESS! Just come on in when it suits you, take a few jobs if you see anything you like, ignore all our persnickety laws, and live comfortable in the knowledge that if you can evade federal marshals long enough, you are bound to make it to a year with a tight election. Then, you can laugh like a drunk Chinaman at all those losers who followed the rules!

And to everyone who's mad at me, before you get all in a huff about us compromising America's security against foreigner trash that wish us harm, remember that even though a handful of these illegals might wind up flying a few Boeings into skyscrapers – almost all of them are going to vote Republican this year. See? Now don't you feel better? I know I do. Besides, when we had to rely on the coloreds to do our plantings, all sorts of sloppy, too-bright plantings of annuals blighted our national landscape and ended up drying up while our gardeners were off guzzling 40-ounce bottles of Colt 45 in a local park. So, today I'm asking all of New York to be willing to give up a few more of its crazy-tall buildings for my re-election.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

posted 01-14-2004 02:45 PM            

The sad part is..it's mostly true.