posted 03-03-2004 11:11 AM            

PRESIDENT URGES HAITI'S WOULD-BE BOAT PEOPLE TO BEWARE THE TERRIFYING VOODOO CURSE THAT LAYS WASTE ALL WHO DARE TRESPASS NEAR PIVOTAL FLORIDA COUNTIES

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Attention people of Haiti! This is George W. Bush, Commander in Chief and Supreme Ruler of the United States of the World. I bid you to listen carefully!

[Lights 12" Black Phallus Candle.]

I speak to you now to issue a most grave and urgent warning. Today, your President, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, is no more. Under blackness of night, he was spirited away to a darkened place none shall see!

[Eats Handful of Graveyard Dirt.]

Today your island world is in chaos. But hear my words and obey the commands of this servant of power!

[Rings Cow Bell.]


To those among you who would seek to escape poverty and suffering and flee by boat to the shores of Florida...

[Holds Human Femur Bone Aloft.]

Bones of Haiti, bones of thigh, all refugee trash shall surely die!

[Throws Rotten Egg Over Left Shoulder.]

I call upon the Ancient Ones from the great abyss. Grant my brother Jebby his fondest wish...

[Blows Fistful of Myrrh and Saltpeter.]

Watchers of the threshold, sentinels of the gate, keep all Haitian parasites out of his state!

[Spits Tobacco into Skull Chalice.]

But should French-sounding hordes set out for his beaches, encrust their vile privates with thousands of leeches!

[Snaps Sacred Root in Two.]

Florida voters are thick and they're dullards, and the one thing they hate is an influx of coloreds!

[Ignites Tuft of Goat Hair.]

So heed my warning and board no ferries, lest the Electoral College go to John Kerry!

[Plunges Dagger Into Chest of Live Rooster.]

Thou shall be blinded by the fear! Blinded by the pain! Blinded by my greatness! And in Haiti forever remain!

[Buries Face in Bloody Plumage of the Thrashing Fowl to Guzzle Its Hemorrhaging Life Force.]

OOOOOGA BOOOOGA! OOOOOGA BOOOOGA! OOOOOGA BOOOOGA! OOOOOGA BOOOOGA!

[Laughter.]

posted 03-04-2004 11:22 AM            

Is this where you come to "let it all hang out?"

ROFLMBO!!!