posted 12-21-2003 06:36 PM
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October 30, 2003
For the Well-Dressed Fascist
Right, Right, RightLoyal (or should I say "disloyal") reader "the Other Mike S" made the obligatory reference to jackboots in a comment today or yesterday, and it occurred to me that I didn't even know where to buy jackboots. That's a shameful thing for a Republican to admit. We're the biggest supporters Israel has these days, so we don't really resemble Nazis all that much, but should we let that keep us from dressing to scare the bong water out of paranoid leftists?
I found a few sites selling jackboots. They don't look too bad. More than adequate for stomping the unprotected toes of Birkenstocks and kicking in the flimsy doors of hybrid cars. Here's a link to one site where you can buy them. Here's a place where you can get them with hobnails.
Personally, I would avoid jackboots, as they fit poorly compared to lace-ups. The best boots made, in all likelihood, come from the Danner company in Oregon. They are to Timberlands as Timberlands are to newspapers tied on with strings. Here's what I wear when I ride my motorcycles: CLICK, fascist swine. Believe it or not, Thinsulate insulation and wool socks make for a cool, dry fit in Florida heat. They are incredibly comfortable and totally waterproof, and it is nearly impossible to wear them out.
Now, admittedly, those may not be scary enough to make your liberal neighbors fill their rarely washed jeans with half-digested granola. But Danner also makes a steel-toed version, which is a bit more intimidating and very nice in case an enormous lesbian steps on your toe at a protest.
The only problem with the above selections is that they feature nylon uppers. Very functional, but they don't really scream "FASCIST" the way leather does. You may want to try the 8" Danner Recon, if leather is a must.
The boots mentioned so far are all designed for police and military work. If you prefer the workboot look, I recommend the 10" Danner Super Rain Forest boot, although you do run the risk of looking like Mammy Yokum. I recommend ditching the effeminate brown laces.
What about shirts? Brown is the classic look. This Woolrich offering might fit the bill, although you will need to replace the light buttons with dark brown or black. This one isn't really brown, but the "moss" version has a scary military sort of look, plus it's made by Carhartt, the company that made George Bush's famous work jacket, so it will provide no end of fodder for conspiracy nuts.
Finally, if you prefer the Clockwork Orange look, you can always go here and pick out something nice in white. And the corrections system of the State of Louisiana will sell you a lovely pair of pants to match. You know how we fascists love prison labor.
I'm not sure where to go for a Malcolm McDowell Signature Model External Jockstrap, but you could always try International Jock. I did find a place where you can buy an appropriate hat.
To my right-wing pals of the Hebraic persuasion, let me say this: don't be put off just because you're Jewish. Liberals are calling you Nazis these days, anyway, and a bowler looks great with peyos. Might as well run with it.
Posted by Steve H. at October 30, 2003 01:41 PM | TrackBack
Comments
Interestingly, what we call jack boots aren't jack boots. Apparently real jackboots had been worn by cavalry, and were more like a modern square-toe motocross boot, going all the way to the knee, but made of extremely thick reinforce leather to stop saber blows. They were more like Klingon style footwear, so to speak.
And regarding the definition of fascist provided by the ever-posting Mike S.
adj : relating to or characteristic of fascism; "fascist propaganda" [syn: fascistic] n : an adherent of fascism or other right-wing authoritarian views
In case you haven't heard why Fascists are "right wing", it's because Mussolini had a personal vendetta with the socialists over his leadership of their party. So he got pissed at his collegues and broke off to form a new party. To emphasize his dislike of them he sat on the RIGHT SIDE of the Italian Parliament, as far away as possible from his former partners, who had always sat on the LEFT SIDE of the parliament. Then he worked to crush the bastards.
To say this hatred makes him the opposite of a leftist is like saying that Trotskyism is the opposite of Stalinism. And don't think the use of "thugs" puts him on the right. Notice that Mao, Lenin, Stalin, Pol Pot, Ho Chi Min, and Castro ALL used thugs. If the reliance on military force was the determinant of Fascism, then wouldn't the Kaiser and just about every European government in history be regarded as "Fascist"? Why is it that the Kaiser or the Prussians, who ran military states, weren't called "Fascists"?
At what point does the Marxist paranoid conspiracy theory of all powerful government, in being morphed into the Fascist paranoid conspiracy theory of all powerful goverment, cross through smaller government and lower taxes position of "the right"?
Posted by: George Turner on October 30, 2003 02:15 PM
Speaking of boots, many of us here in Oregon are partial to the equally-local West Coast Shoe Company boots, favourites of loggers, linemen, and cycle cops nationwide.
Posted by: Sigivald on October 30, 2003 03:32 PM
I always thought that a nice, understated, well-tailored suit was a good way to set the moonbats to frothing. Especially if you can let it slip that it was made in a third-world sweatshop by some 8 year-old campesinette being paid 2¢ a day.
Posted by: aelfheld on October 30, 2003 10:47 PM
Those Danners make me wish I still had my Harley.
Posted by: pam on October 31, 2003 08:03 AM
Now for the question as to what the well-booted Democratic conservative should wear....I got a pair o' them Danner boots, but not being a Republican, not sure if it allowed. Guess I'll have to settle for steel-toed cowgirl boots to kick the idiotic pro-Saddam, pro-Castro, pro-Kim bunch.
Posted by: SwampWoman on October 31, 2003 08:06 AM
Steve, could you include the Whois information for that hobnail boot site, to be sure they get spammed for Donkey Porn and herbal viagra (and considering the flacidness of naziphiles, they probably need lots of both.)
Swampwoman - If you insist on remaining Democrat, you should shop for your boots here:
http://www.galeton.com/browsecat.asp?DepartmentID=20&CategoryID=85
Although, with the company you keep, you might find yourself up to it so high you need these:
http://www.labsafety.com/store/product_group.asp?dept_id=6902&cat_prefix=3WA
Posted by: Greg Zywicki on October 31, 2003 08:21 AM
Thanks, Greg. I've worn some of those boots a few times while pouring concrete but, as a general rule, rubber boots and Florida summers definitely do not mix unless we get one of those 10" rainfalls in an hour, then the home place goes underwater. Nothin' like a floating ball of fireants getting into the boots to ruin yer outlook for the rest of the day. Almost as demoralizin' as listenin' to the democratic presidential candidates competing to see "who's a bigger idiot" in the debates.
Posted by: SwampWoman on October 31, 2003 05:05 PM
Actually, Steve, you might want to avoid the boots you pictured entirely, as they're clearly intended for the plebes to wear.
If you're going to be a REAL jackbooted fascist, you might as well do it in style.
The discerning fascist would go for the traditional square-toed riding boot but, for G-d's sake, avoid the black ones with a brown rim at the top of the shaft, they have to be black all the way through.
Of course, you need a set of riding britches to go with your new boots, as well as a jacket with a brown leather belt and a matching leather holster for your Luger, as well as a diagonal leather strap across your chest, the correct English word for which eludes me at the moment.
Oh, and a riding crop, of course.
Posted by: Emperor Misha I on November 1, 2003 02:07 AM
Beggin' your imperial pardon, Emperor, but I'd recommend that anybody that had any cellulite on their backside should pass on them thar ridin' britches. I have seen some truly scary and horrible sights at horse shows.
Maybe the jackboots could be subtly worn with khaki shorts. (Hey, he IS in Miami).
Posted by: SwampWoman on November 1, 2003 08:15 PM
Jackboots are soooo 20th century. Get you a set of motorcross boots, like they wore in "Mad Max". They just scream intimidation. Plus the hard shell offers a good backing for your Knife sheath. It also allows you to pack a 2 shot inside. I always amuses me to see the look on their face when they realise I wasn't reaching for my knife. And then there is the neat sound the steel plates make when you walk across the floor. They even work great for riding. I ride a 919 so I don't have to kick doors in, twist my wrist and whoever is jacking me is history. But I imagine they would work well at the door bashing thingy. I wear FOX 'Trackers', not that they are superior to everthing else, I just like the looks. And at 140 a pair, If you can't get the blood off you can just burn them and buy another pair.
T. BTW (fascist are just a type of socialist. So to call them right wingers is imply that all Socialists are right wingers. Or maybe Fascists are really liberals? I think that todays Left cannot distinguish between Liberal, socialist and progressive. That is ok, because nobody else can either).
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posted 12-21-2003 06:36 PM
posted 12-21-2003 06:47 PM
